Jackson Howard

Staff Reporter

April 1, 2019

All of us can learn from the mistakes of Knicks superfan, Matthew Cooper, who took his former girlfriend Susan Kitchens to her first NBA game last Friday night at Madison Square Garden.


Kitchens was greatly disappointed in how bad the game was. “How can he like a team that is so bad?” said Kitchens, who broke the news to Cooper by text after the game that they are through.


“I thought we were going to have a great time, eat some corn dogs together, and share a grapefruit smoothie,” said Cooper, who is now companionless and will be returning to his little apartment to watch The Bachelor every Tuesday night with tissues in one hand and a jar of Cookie Dough ice cream in the other.


Knicks small forward, Kevin Knox, could not contain his laugh when he saw that Kitchens had left Cooper after the first five minutes of the game. “I knew that was not going to work out because when you go to a Knicks game, it is a no-win situation for anybody. Including us.”


Kitchens, a medical assistant, will be joining the fellow love lookers on EHarmony website in the near future. She will be persistent in choosing a man who is a funny, loving, and a non-Knicks lover.


Knicks president, Steve Mills, told a reporter that he will be reaching out to Cooper to help him get back onto his feet after trying to find a lover for the twentieth time. “The Knicks organization believes in true love and we know what the heart wants from first-hand experience with Phil Jackson.”


Cooper, who is a technician, will be staying at home with his five dogs and ten cats as he tries to recover from this tragic and unfortunate event that has caused a lot of heartbreak for many New Yorkers in town. “I feel helpless, sitting at home with my furry animals watching Steve Harvey screw up another Beauty Pageant Contest,” said Cooper.


People can improve on dating skills and learn from Cooper’s mistakes. If you are looking for the perfect first date, go to the official website of the Los Angeles Lakers, as there is no better place to be then in La La Land watching Lebron James and a bunch G-League players.

Posted by jhoward01

Jackson is a junior at Atholton High School. He loves to write when he has the opportunity. Also he enjoys watching sports and playing sports. His profession that he wants to become is a sports journalist for the Washington Post or the Associated Press. He spends his free time by playing with his two dogs Eden and Harper and binge watches NCIS, Parks and Recreation and The Office.