Abideen Jallow
April 1 2019
Staff Reporter
“This is too easy,” said Stephen Curry of the Golden State Warriors. In this era of the NBA, 3-point shooting has become a lot more prominent than in the past. Even power forwards and centers are well equipped 3 point shooters. The NBA has decided to add a 4-point line due to the backlash received from various players.
3-point shooters from across the league decided to barge into the conference room of the commissioner of the NBA, Adam Silver, and began to raid the room until he accepted the offer. Klay Thompson threw his toaster at Adam Silver’s head, Damian Lillard hit him with his Dame Time watch, and D’Angelo Russell snitched to Adam Silver’s wife. The various acts conducted left Adam Silver no choice but to add a new rule. “Blasphemous,” said Adam Silver after being attacked by multiple NBA players. He couldn’t give out $100,000 fines when Kevin Durant threatened to leave the NBA for the Patriots in the NFL.
Players who don’t shoot 3-pointers decided to start practicing on their jumpshot more to be able to make 4-point shots. “My jumpshot is trash, and people always leave me open,” said Draymond Green of the Golden State Warriors. Alternatively, one of the worst shooters in the NBA, Russell Westbrook, mentioned that he will be the greatest 4-point shooter to ever live, even though his 3-point percentage is 26%.
Defense will be a key factor with the addition of the new rule. Defenders of the NBA will have to play up on shooters even more than before. Players who can’t play defense to save their lives say they’re going to get to work in the “lab.” “Whoever plays defense is a bum, offense is where it’s at, as can be seen by my consecutive 30-point games,” said James Harden of the Houston Rockets. After seeing James Harden’s interview, Kawhi Leonard had a comment, “Hwahahwa.” Kawhi laughed for the first time in 8 years, leaving the press appalled.
“It’s about time Skip,” said Shannon Sharpe, a commentator of the NBA. “I’m going to drink to this.” Now that there is a 4-point line, games will be way more entertaining and uptempo. Every game would be a game to watch no matter who is playing. When it comes time for playoffs each game would keep the viewer guessing, not knowing who’s going to win. Come playoff time, the NBA has decided to raise the height of the basket to 20 feet due to the backboard breaking dunks of Giannis. Dunks and layups are going to be impossible so shooting is the only option. The NBA is even allowing all players in the playoffs to use performance enhancing drugs on their biceps in order for them to get the ball into the hoop. The upcoming seasons are games you don’t want to miss.
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